Ajiaco Colombiano

 Con guascas.

Bad Sight Reading

I generally sight-read. As I age I have noticed a tendency to make mistakes when sight-reading. Only occasionally. Little split second misreadings upon first glance of the word or phrase (almost always completely ridiculous). Followed by an immediate correction in my brain. But the damage is done. 

 

I shared a dozen or more stupid brain glitches with people when I first started noticing, before thinking to document them. So the following list is incomplete:

 

On a van 

After school Karaoke (karate)

Unwrapping a gift of cologne 

O'Keefe (CKfree)

In a magazine

Kleenex final issue (facial tissue)

On a billboard

Krav Maga show (Mega RV show)

On a news website

Wallenda challenges Nigeria Falls

On a box of tea

MADE FROM BLACK LIVES MATTER

(BLACK TEA LEAVES)

On a baseball cap

Proud Mary Mom (Proud Navy Mom)

On a protest sign

Whiskey Dorkers need a raise (Disney Workers)

On a T-shirt

LaundryAcademy.com

(LandryAcademy.com)

In the news:

“President talks stock market and taxes during awkward ceremony for minority businesses” 

(award ceremony)

In the news:

Supermoms wow sky-gazers for only time this year (Supermoon)

In the news:

“We disagree with the Chinaman.” (Chairman)

On a cell phone commercial:

LEAST AFFORDABLE NETWORKS (LARGEST, MOST DEPENDABLE 4G LTE NETWORKS)

In the news:

TRUMP HOSTING MORON AT MT VERNON (Macron)

On a storefront:

Everybody Threading

(Eyebrow Threading)

 

On a store awning:

Theft-Electro

(Thrift-Electro)

 

On a store window:

Senior Herpes 

(Senior Helpers)

 

A YouTube ad:

Putting your pet down?

(Pet odor getting you down?)

 

On a bag of potato chips:

Free gluten

(Gluten free)

 

On a bumper sticker 

Proud parent of a SIRLOIN (SAILOR)

 

On a transcript

College of the Crayons (Canyons)

 

In a police training email 

Black Role Players Needed (Block)

 

In the refrigerated case

Gordo’s goose dip (cheese dip)

 

On a package

Unslathered butter (unsalted)

 

On a toilet seat

Joe Biden (Joy Bidet)

On a building

Trivia Church (Thrive)

On a document

Marmicide county (Miami-Dade)

 

On a tuna can

Children of the Sea (overheard)

 

On a billboard

Rutland Farms Exists (EXIT 55)

 

In a headline

The Biden Waffle House (White House)

 

On a business card

7401 Meatloaf Ave. (Metcalf)

On a podcast

Seeing the Real Elvis of War (Evils)

 

On a building

St. Pete CRAP (CPAP)

 

On a shampoo bottle

Redneck Color Safe shampoo (Redken)

 

In an email invitation

Thank you and we look forward to suing you. 

 

On a book cover

Pray without cussing 

(ceasing)

 

At Sunken Gardens

Hosiery center (history)

 

On a downtown city guide

The city is alive with excrement… (excitement)

At a computer station at the driver's license office

For toasters only (testers)

 

 

Korn

The local Kiwanis Club is holding a Korntoss for Kids event (among other activities) on June 8. 

I’m pleased they decided to clean up the name, particularly in this instance.

Ox Tail Danger

Walking to the car in the office parking lot I stepped on an oxtail bone. Nearly busted my ankle. I need to be more careful.

 

Here’s how I locked my keys in the car at work this morning (I have underlined the things that have never happened before).

 

An 18 wheeler was parked in my usual space. So I pulled around and backed into the adjacent space toward the building.

Turned the car off.

Got my lanyard out of the glove compartment and hung it around my neck.

Grabbed the backpack from the passenger floorboard, took the gun out and put the backpack back on the floor. Pulled the lockbox from under my seat, locked the gun inside, and shoved it back under the seat.

Unbuckled the lunchbox and thermos of soup in the passenger seat.

Removed the keys.

Grabbed my phone. Unintentionally squeezed the door lock button (weird).

Grabbed the box of candy (wife’s Christmas gift to my co-workers).

Grabbed the lunchbox.

Dropped the keys onto my lap.

Grabbed the thermos.

Got out of the car.

(Now I am holding a lunchbox, a thermos, a phone, and a box of candy.)

I set the lunchbox, thermos, and candy on the hood so as to slide the phone into my pants pocket, as an invisible force swung the driver’s door shut.

 

Fish and burgers

Sitting on the beach I just watched  a boat go by in the distance. People fishing from the boat.  A woman just tossed her line into the water. Some shiny bait. The ocean is so vast. Billions (trillions?) of sea creatures just swimming right along browsing for something to eat. I’m curious how a fish can fall for the “bait on a hook” trick. I guess they’re just always hungry and not very suspicious or discriminating as long as it looks tasty. I imagine myself in a world where I’m just walking along, in my neighborhood, dum-de-dum. And I round a corner and there’s a picnic table with a Five Guys bag on it. Nobody around. I check out the bag. It has a fresh hot cheeseburger inside. Still nobody around. I should be suspicious. But it smells so good. I imagine I would eat the burger. Then I might get snatched up in some snare and transported to some ocean in the sky where I drown. And then I’m eaten (though I’m unaware of that part). 

Bait! It all makes sense. 

I was wrong.

 

 

This photo illustrates mankind's understanding of the universe. The way a man views his surroundings and shapes that which he believes based on what he sees with his own eyes and what he hears, touches and feels. That which he experiences with both his physical senses as well as his best attempt at logical perception, applying all his knowledge to what he hopes is a grounded understanding of the world around him, and especially that of human nature. If for no other reason than the survival of his kind. 

 And then one day it all comes crashing down. 

There were exactly 65 tissues. As advertised. To my utter dismay and disappointment. I will not be suing Aldi Corporation for fraud as I had anticipated. 

More importantly, I fear I am being called to question more of my own strongly held beliefs. Is it possible I attribute unfair motives to those with whom I disagree? Might a person who expresses his or her doctrine, which I may see as utterly dishonest, loathsome, coercive, and destructive of that which is good have a point? Could that which I have seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears, and could words both written in bold print and spoken loudly and clearly in public spaces be entirely misconstrued?

Nah.