Lance visits his Post Office daily or so. His customers mail their checks to his P.O. box as opposed to his home (good idea, Lance). So he dropped in a few weeks ago and the post office had apparently decided to advertise a new goal. The customized sign hung on the wall was inscribed, "Our goal: deliver to your P.O. box by 8:30 AM."
"Cool," Lance thought, as he picked up his mail from the previous day.
A few weeks passed during which time Lance received regular payments from customers in his P.O. box. Business is fine and most folks seem to be paying OK. Monday, Lance stopped into his post office again and noticed something odd. The customized sign hung on the wall was changed to an all new customized sign inscribed with the proud declaration, "Our goal: deliver to your P.O. box by 9:30 AM."
Evidently, the post office workers couldn't meet their 8:30 AM goal so it was moved up an hour to 9:30.
Government work is great if you can get it.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Merry Christmas!
As far as I know, there’s no Ramadan Tree, no Hanukkah Tree, no Utsava Tree, no Bodhisattva Tree. When you put a tree in the living room and string light bulbs around it and put presents under it, it’s uniquely a “Christmas Tree.” And December 25th is uniquely “Christmas.” I’m not afraid to say “Merry Christmas.” From what I gather this phrase does not offend non-Christians. If my Jewish friend says to me “Happy Hanukkah,” I’m cool with that. If anyone is offended by the word Christmas, he or she is an idiot, therefore I don’t care.
This year I will not shop at any store whose management is too stupid to understand it’s OK to say the word Christmas during Christmas.
That’s just me.
This year I will not shop at any store whose management is too stupid to understand it’s OK to say the word Christmas during Christmas.
That’s just me.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Feeeeeeeeeeeels like................
I've about had it with this whole "feeeeeeeeeels like" crap. The local TV station said it's 97 degrees outside but it "feeeeeeeeeeels like" a hundred and five. No, it feeeeeeeeels like 97°. If it is exactly 97° outside and I walk outside into 97° heat, then 97 degrees hits me in the face. THAT’S what 97° feels like. It does NOT feel like 105°, it feels like 97°. 105° feels like 105°.
This approach is not limited to the weather. And since we don't talk politics here I'll leave it at that. Can we PLEASE stop living our lives - and making our rules - based on some whimsical feeling pulled out of someone's colon?
This approach is not limited to the weather. And since we don't talk politics here I'll leave it at that. Can we PLEASE stop living our lives - and making our rules - based on some whimsical feeling pulled out of someone's colon?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Yet another drive-thru yarn
My other kid Lance had an episode. One Sunday morning he and his young bride felt like a little breakfast snack and, as they were in motor transit, thought McDonald’s sounded nice. Simple. Quick. Consistent. You know what you want, you know what you get.
They turned into the lot of an out-of-the way McDonalds, found the arrow lane and hit the drive-thru. No wait. Cool. “Thank you for choosing McDonald’s would you like to try thuhhnwbacneggsuprMcmufzick?” crackled the order board. “No thanks.” Knowing the Egg McMuffins were on sale for two for $2.00, Lance ordered three. Two for him and one for his wife Sharon. A dollar per McMuffin. Not bad. Three bucks, right? “Four seventy first window please” spake the Big Board. “What?” Lance said aloud to Sharon. “Four seventy?!” He drove to the first window and the thirty-something McDonald’s University junior class lady slid open the window and repeated, “Hi. Four seventy.”
Lance objected, “It says two for two dollars. That’s three for three dollars, right? Why is it four seventy?”
“I can’t charge you one dollar if you order three. The third Egg McMuffin is $2.39. I’m sorry,” reasoned the genius.
“Well I’m not paying $4.70.
“I’m sorry, sir, that’s the way the computer does it.”
"OK well then can I just order four so I can get the deal?"
"I can't change the order, sir," came the reply.
“Just let me speak to the manager,” Lance instructed, now impatient with stupid people.
(Lance has little tolerance for idiots. He doesn’t so much want to beat them up; he just wishes they would all call a really big convention and then join hands and run off a cliff together into the ocean.)
A few seconds later the manager arrived to settle the matter. "I want to change my order to four Egg McMuffins so I can get the deal," Lance exlained.
The manager lady explained her position. “I’m sorry sir, we can’t charge your order after it's been entered. It’s going to be $4.70. I’m really sorry.”
Apparently the customer must notice the sale at the menu board and respect the terms of the contract when placing the order. If the terms are not respected, the customer loses the game. Lance admitted to himself that he had not properly considered the rules. Still, the merchant has an obligation to inform the customer. And Lance didn't remember any fine print on the menu. Now Lance was beyond impatience with morons and had reached the level of disgust. Look. You're going to change my order. I want four Egg McMuffins for four dollars!
The manager lady turned away. (Tap-tap-tap-beep-beep on the register) “Four twenty eight,” affirmed the manager lady. She must have voided the first order after all. How bold!
“OK. Here’s five dollars,” Lance barked. Holy cow she gave him the correct change.
They were quick, Lance gave them that much. A half minute later the first lady returned with a bag full of McMuffins. She stuffed a handful of napkins in the sack and handed it to Lance. Before the woman could slide the window shut, Lance reached in and pulled out the top McMuffin and flung it at the building, smashing the breakfast sandwich to the ground. Then he drove away. The woman had a kind of dumb look on her face as she watched him leave, but Lance figured that was normal for her. Lance saved forty two cents and that felt a lot better.
I guess this whole thing makes sense (?)
They turned into the lot of an out-of-the way McDonalds, found the arrow lane and hit the drive-thru. No wait. Cool. “Thank you for choosing McDonald’s would you like to try thuhhnwbacneggsuprMcmufzick?” crackled the order board. “No thanks.” Knowing the Egg McMuffins were on sale for two for $2.00, Lance ordered three. Two for him and one for his wife Sharon. A dollar per McMuffin. Not bad. Three bucks, right? “Four seventy first window please” spake the Big Board. “What?” Lance said aloud to Sharon. “Four seventy?!” He drove to the first window and the thirty-something McDonald’s University junior class lady slid open the window and repeated, “Hi. Four seventy.”
Lance objected, “It says two for two dollars. That’s three for three dollars, right? Why is it four seventy?”
“I can’t charge you one dollar if you order three. The third Egg McMuffin is $2.39. I’m sorry,” reasoned the genius.
“Well I’m not paying $4.70.
“I’m sorry, sir, that’s the way the computer does it.”
"OK well then can I just order four so I can get the deal?"
"I can't change the order, sir," came the reply.
“Just let me speak to the manager,” Lance instructed, now impatient with stupid people.
(Lance has little tolerance for idiots. He doesn’t so much want to beat them up; he just wishes they would all call a really big convention and then join hands and run off a cliff together into the ocean.)
A few seconds later the manager arrived to settle the matter. "I want to change my order to four Egg McMuffins so I can get the deal," Lance exlained.
The manager lady explained her position. “I’m sorry sir, we can’t charge your order after it's been entered. It’s going to be $4.70. I’m really sorry.”
Apparently the customer must notice the sale at the menu board and respect the terms of the contract when placing the order. If the terms are not respected, the customer loses the game. Lance admitted to himself that he had not properly considered the rules. Still, the merchant has an obligation to inform the customer. And Lance didn't remember any fine print on the menu. Now Lance was beyond impatience with morons and had reached the level of disgust. Look. You're going to change my order. I want four Egg McMuffins for four dollars!
The manager lady turned away. (Tap-tap-tap-beep-beep on the register) “Four twenty eight,” affirmed the manager lady. She must have voided the first order after all. How bold!
“OK. Here’s five dollars,” Lance barked. Holy cow she gave him the correct change.
They were quick, Lance gave them that much. A half minute later the first lady returned with a bag full of McMuffins. She stuffed a handful of napkins in the sack and handed it to Lance. Before the woman could slide the window shut, Lance reached in and pulled out the top McMuffin and flung it at the building, smashing the breakfast sandwich to the ground. Then he drove away. The woman had a kind of dumb look on her face as she watched him leave, but Lance figured that was normal for her. Lance saved forty two cents and that felt a lot better.
I guess this whole thing makes sense (?)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
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